7 Rules to Killing Your Friends (in your totally fictional book!)

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve got some pretty weird friends.  As soon as they discovered I wrote books, they wanted characters named after them.  Not main characters, mind you, but characters who got knocked off.  At first I thought this was ridiculous.  But, after careful thinking, if this was what they wanted, who was I to deny them a glorious (fictional) ending?

I’ve come up with a strict code to decide how they get it and is it spectacular or just boring.  So here it is…

“Jeremy’s Code to My Friends’ Demise”

Rule 1 – The better the friend, the better the scene.  Listen, I’m not going to waste a perfectly good and captivating scene with someone I can’t stand.  A good friend needs to go down in a blaze of glory, something they can look back and go, “this badass character was named after me!”

Rule 2 – Never use a real name.  Come up with a creative name they will understand.  I am a big fan of the inside joke.  It is too easy and almost a cop-out to just use their real name.  Be creative and come up with something they would totally get and freak out over when they read the story. **this rule can be broken, especially if the character survives the events of the story or the character is the inside joke**

Rule 3 – Make it fit your particular friend.  I have one friend who’s terrified of heights.  The idea of being in a plane crash freaks him out to no end.  If I killed off his character in such a way, that would be pretty awful.  I never want to make a person feel bad about certain things.  This is supposed to be an awesome moment, not a terrifying one that sends them to therapy.

Rule 4 – Even if you are friends with your boss, never kill them off.  This one is pretty self-explanatory.  They are ‘your boss’ and while they might laugh about it, they’ll never ever promote you or give you a raise.

Rule 5 – Never use the same death scene twice.  Your friends are each different and unique.  Don’t be that guy (or gal) who uses the same way over and over again.  (unless it becomes a running gag, in which case that is also justifiable)

Rule 6 – For the love of God, DO NOT kill off a character named after your spouse/significant other.  There are only two ways this plays out:  they end the relationship or they get paranoid and think you are actually out to get them.

Rule 7 – Never, ever make it personal.  Writing and reading is supposed to be fun.  Never use your work as an author as a way to get even with someone you think has wronged you.

So that’s my code of conduct.  Feel free to use it as well or just laugh over the fact my friends are demented.  I would, but they tend to be my biggest fans, so I gotta keep ’em happy!


You can find all my work, including “The Wrath of Pan,” @ www.amazon.com/author/jeremycroston

About Jeremy Croston

I'm a comic loving, soccer playing, devoted husband who has a writing addiction. I can be found at Orlando Solar Bear hockey games, at the local sports bar cheering on my teams from Philly (go Flyers!), and being led astray by my schnauzer, JJ. Check out my Amazon page at www.amazon.com/author/jeremycroston to see my collections. Feel free to friend me on Facebook too at www.facebook.com/jcroston2 (there is another one of me out there apparently). Outside of writing, I work in business development and am considered an expert in all things Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Thanks for stopping by and looking forward to talking to you soon!
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